Lesson We are Transitioning to one nap. After waking up at 6:00, today was a two day nap. Morning no problem. Afternoon was a struggle. In the midst of cajoling the wee one to sleep, i felt anxiety creeping into my being. Really tendrils of stress crawling up my arms and back as I began to worry, what if? what if we don't nap, he will be a wreck by 6:00, and my afternoon will be hell. I caught myself. Worry about an unknown future? What is the use? Concentrate on now. You know he is tired. Don't give up. Be patient and he will fall asleep. Breathe. I calm down, the tendrils disappear, and he's asleep in ten. I swear he can sense my stress, like we are connected).

Today is a time to reflect on the many things we are thankful for. It is also a time to cook, gather, and eat. The littlest member of our household is on a restricted diet. He is being fed yucky formula through a nose tube. He can have small amounts of sweet potato, and today a little frozen banana. He crawls the kitchen looking for crumbs, knowing he wants to eat, but not knowing why it is he can't. It is painful, not being able to feed your child. As I've researched various diseases trying to figure out which one fits us ( we still don't know) I've run into stories. Heartbreaking stories of kids who can't eat, who live on elemental formula, teenagers who willing insert their own feeding tube at night because the pain from their disease when they eat is that awful. I'm sure there are adults as well. And patients who for other reason end up on tube feeds ( one's on chemotherapy come to mind), So today as I eat my food, I am going to be thankful for being able to eat, and I am going to think about all those who can't because they are sick, and I'm going to say a pray for them. I ask that you do the same.

October

hospital stay, broken oven and firemen, new roof, 4 stitches carving pumpkin, some sunshine,a tiny tiger, a power ranger, a tree down, but not on our house

'nuff said

100912 Attachment
to the way i want things to be; clapping hands, sitting in the high chair throwing food at the dog, picking things up with tiny fingers, chubby little boy in handknit vests, and yes my littlest one still snuggling in bed with me nursing himself  back to sleep.
this beautiful vision of babyhood. turning toward childhood obliterated by a week long hospital stay and the intervention: hypoallergenic formula, no food, feeding tube,mittens. so many things i did not want seemingly forced on us by well intentioned doctors.
it has been hard caught between fear and attachment.
i have feared for my baby. i want him better, but it is the attachment ( and my attachment to guilt) that causes me so much pain.
it is so hard to let go of this perfect vision, and the rembrance of his first 9 months, so peaceful and right.
it is hard to accept the reality, he may need this for a little time.
and yet he still smiles, he still claps, he is still mischevious., we still snuggle, and  if i look closely it is still a magical beautiful time
in most of the moments ( not when i trying to place a nasal tube at 1:00 am, mind you, that is not beautiful at all, that i hate with every bit of my being).
we will get better.
we will thrive.
we will push the doctors to move beyond the forced feeds as soon as possible.
this is only transient and will pass, and we will be left with only memories which are so different then the reality.
but the attachment thing is still hard to get around even if i can see the way it is working clear as day.

Roasted butternut squash and carrot soup

1 butternut squash, peeled, seeded, cut  into medium chunks
6 or so carrotts, peeled, cut into 3 inch pieces
2 red bell , or roasting peppers
6 or more cloves garlic
1 yellow onion. diced
4 cups stock of choice or water
olive oil
salt

1. oven at 425
2. prepare vegtables and garlic, mix squash, carrots, red peppers, and garlic in a large bowl with a goodly amount of olive oil to coat
3. place in oven at 425 for about 1 hour 15 minutes, until carrots are soft, and squash just starting to brown. turn  red peppers and other vegtables a couple of times while cooking so the skins get even charred.
4. enjoy smell in house
5. saute onion in olive oil in your favorite soup pot until they are transluscent and softening up.
6. add vegtables from oven. removing skins and caps and most of seeds from peppers
7. add stock of choice or water, bring to boil, lower  to simmer, cook twenty minutes
8. puree in blender, add water if necessary for easy blending, and to get your desired consistancy. i made mine slightly looser than baby food, and problably added 2 extra cups of water
9. season with salt and pepper, and maybe a little cayanne if you don't have little kids who will complain.

playing with children is like a form of meditation sometimes.
in real meditation you focus on one thing, your mind wanders, and you bring it back.
playing with children is sometimes very boring.
your mind wanders. emotions arise.
you need to bring your mind back, to focus.
to remain aware of what you/they are doing.
otherwise they notice.
this is hard to do.
this is practice.
this is meditation.

Crashing at home after a week away.
The jumble that is the kitchen, the house.
Everything where we left it, everywhere.
One boy starts longer days at school.
One boy has learned to clap.
And so we plunge head first straight in.
The mess getting out of our way as we move forward despite it.
(and somehow this is a metaphor for our life/ soul,
you  know what I mean).

Vacation.
This one last chance to chase waves and dip into the pool.
Returning home it will be fall.
The exhaustion of summer giving way to the mindfulness? Of fall.
Looking forward to apples and pumpkins and cooler days.
Changes of season overlies the changes in our lives.
big goals little goals.
Growing boys
A reminder to not rush too much.
Watching him run down the walkway away from the beach I am sad.
He will never be this almost five year old at the beach again.
But he will be that six year old, or that seven year old.
Still the pain is still felt.
We keep moving on.

Food waste Friday

I think we did okay this week, but the weekend may see us not quite getting through everything.

Rescues: Mixed vegetable pasta sauce, consumed lots of my balcony garden goods that were hanging out in fridge, used up lots of tomatoes, yellow squash, eggplant all pureed up with added carrotts,onions and garlic. it was a super bonus because my picky eater ate it ( at least one night ). I used up most of last weeks CSA deliver tonight for a salad. I made it a build you own with cukes, tomato, sauté onions and bell peppers, and boiled new potatoes. There was a lot left over, and now I am wondering why on earth I bought the big container of spring mix. Dinner tonight and maybe lunch on the weekend?

There was an almost rescue of some egg whites reserved from when I made custard ice cream. I tried to make an omelet which turned into a scramble cause I couldn't flip the dern thing, but I over salted it and although it is still pretty tasty one can only eat so much of it. I think I will likely have to throw it out. (actually I ate it for breakfast)

throwing out: Some unused pancake batter from last week, some left over pizza from two weeks ago I forgot about, our CSA cantaloupe which I totally misjudged, possibly another cantaloupe that is already cut up and no one seems to be eating, and a bit of moldy cheddar cheese. There is probably something else, but overall a pretty good week for us. <\p>

Next week we get beets and okra with the CSA. This will be challenging, but I guess that's why we are doing it.

Food Waste Friday

The good: Used up slightly expired eggs, and two oldish russet potatoes for a tortilla (Yum!). Saved Bananas by making freezer banana ice cream ( Yogurt is a big fan) used most of our leftovers, including take out food.

The bad: Plums, pizza stopped liking them, and I got caught with about five on hand, and as I don't like them that much I tossed them. any suggestions for what to do with ripe plums other than eat out of hand? okra from our CSA. I'm the only one who eats the stuff, and I can only stomach so much.

there is also the steak I had to throw out, after accidentally leaving it out, do to the chaos in my kitchen sometimes when I cook. not good, but I won't chance using it.

I noticed last week I was throwing out a lot of half used baby food containers. I took this as a sign the Yogurt may be quickly growing out of eating this stuff. (he is 10 months) The reason for using the baby food was having lots of trouble managing feeding the three of us non babies. I simple didn't have the energy to make my own. but Yogurt is doing great eating door directly off our table. I've kind of decided he will be better served getting our food with its seasonings and salt, then me not feeding him table food because I am not able to prepare him his own thing. Perhpas not the optimal thing, but when is it ever optimal? does that make sense? anyway this has meant much less baby food related waste this week.

Interested

I was able to knit for a full 15 minutes with Yogurt playing at my side. I fill up a bin with his toys and then give it too him. He loves taking things out piece by piece and look at them, then toss them aside.

Then he got interested in what I was doing. A tug of war, albiet a very gentle one, ensued. After wresting the needles away from him, it was agreed that knitting time was over for the day.

The tank is coming along. It appears to fit now, after taking in, a bit aggressively toward the end. I have just divided from the armholes, and am now working back and forth in garter stitch. I'd better figure out what the top is going to look like fast, huh?

In other news, I have an eggplant problem. Pictured is my harvest from last week. Since I'm pretty much the only one who eats eggplant, except maybe Yogurt who will eat it when softened in soup, I decided to make Babe Ganoush (sp?). It is yummy, and insures no eggplant will be left behind. Now what to do with the squash?

Tangled

I am sparing you the gory pics, but I had a problem winding yarn from its skein. I swear there is something wrong with these skeins because I had the same problem when I wound the ball I started my sweater on. It was a mess and instead of taking me an hour or so the wind the ball of yarn (being miserly, I neither own a winder nor a swift, I usually use the back of chair or a square laundry basket), it took days on and off when I could bear giving it a little attention. But it got done, and I knit on. Not sure how this will turn out. Knitting to about 14 inches then switching back to blue, changing to garter stitch and separating back and front for arm holes. It's still a little biggish. This could be a catastrophe in the making.

A Garden Post

Do you remeber when spring was in the air and I had all sorts of crazy ambitions about putting in an in ground vegtable garden?

Well...it kinda didn't happen, yet. It's alot of work having a baby around, and I didn't have the energy. And then there was the trip to Lowes that almost broke my husbands back. And then as the leaves came in on the trees, I realized I didn't have 6 hours of sunlight, but about 5 in the spot I had picked. And I kept looking for the right spot. And well, the box for the raised bed has moved around alot. I think I may have finally settled on a spot. But it being hot, the 7 bags of garden soil are still sitting in the garage, and I think maybe we will do fall garden, or maybe we will set up the soil and let it overwinter and start off fresh next spring?

But I still have the container garden on the balcony to talk about. And it is a jungle up there, right outside my kitchen, where there is plenty of sunshine, and I get to look out on it every day from the kitchen sink.

Let's see. I have two big old tomato plants, loaded with tomatoes. They are just starting to turn, and I am watching them everyday. The tomatoes are big time drinkers. I fill up their resevoir everyday to the brim, and they still sort of wilt midday if it's reall hot. They are completely empty of water every morning.

Then there are the two squash plants. One is a green zuccinni, and one is called golden egg. They are huge and growing out of their container. They got battered pretty good in the storm, but seem to be holding thier own now. I've already harvested off of them, and they seem to be averaging a new good sized fruit per week each. Sometimes its two little ones, but you get the idea.

Also a success are the eggplant, called fairytale hybrid. They have the most delicate little flowers, and they seem to really like the containers. This is a dwarf variety that gives the cutest little tiny purple and white speckled fruit. I 've started harvesting off these too, and they are tasty.

These pictures were taken several weeks ago, and it is amazing to me how quick things change out there when the sun is sunny ( and storms are blowy).

We tried some green beans, but it's awful hard to get a decent harvest in such a small space. I am rethinking this for next year. Same thing for peas. The strawberries and still hanging in there, and I deciding wether to keep them for next year, or plant some herbs in their boxes, or some mixture of both.

The garden is a learning experience. I feel like every year I do this I get a little better at it. It is as with many things important not to take your failures to heart. We will get a small harvest this year, but it will be stuff we like to eat. And next year who knows?

Derecho

We had one crazy weekend. First the inlaws and my niece came for a visit Friday to spend the weekend (this is a rare occurance, they don't travel much). So we had a lovely inside bbq ( way too hot to eat outside, but we did cook outside). Then the storm hit right after everybody went to bed. The power actually went out seconds before the storm hit, but it was one crazy storm ( called a derecho, apparently, happens alot in the midwest). We were lucky. No house damage, but with no power, and not even needing to be told that it was going to take awhile, and the prospect of another day over a hundred degrees, we packed up quickly and got out of dodge.

So instead of spending the weekend with Nana and Pop-pop at our house, we went back to NJ and spent the weekend with them at their house and their communtiy pool, (and don't forget their AC). It was a exhausting weekend for all nonetheless, especially for my husband who logged the driving hours.

I one the otherhand got to log some knitting hours in the car. And this is where I am on my tank:

Not terribly exciting. It is a bit big, but I think it will be alright. It will be low slung, so meant to go over my hips. I am decreasing at "seams" every inch or so. Hopefully the weight of the yarn won't cause it to drap unattractively. And hopefully I have enough yarn for such a big project. We shall see.

Have a Happy Fourth! See you next week, maybe.....

Two months

Two months give or take from last post. Reasons: nasty summer colds, teething baby, ever more mobile baby, ever more opionated baby, vacation, some knitting malaise, and just plain summer busy.

First up in knitpicks cotlin, a cute tank top for Yogurt, based loosely on "Pebble" but knit in the round without buttons, and then back and forth in garter stitch past the armholes. It was quick and easy, taking about 1 50 gram ball. I knit it on vacation in lovely Hilton Head, SC.

Second, something started for myself. A summer tank top likely. Hopefully I haven't started it too loose. It is a recycled cotton/ acrylic blend. I forget the name. It has been slow going because of a lack of time to work on it. Let's see if I can make a little progress?

My anabel sweater is on hold until the fall. It is too hot to work with wool, unless it is lace or sock weight.

After reading (well listening to) "The Night Circus" I am thinking on a bright red scarf. I will continue thinking until I'm done the tank top. But thinking (and looking) is fun.

Mistakes and Milestones

Although I did upload these pictures on Tuesday craft sharing day, I haven't gotten around to the post.

So first, the mistakes....

Do you see what's wrong with the picture? I finished up the seams attaching the pocket panels to the pants fronts, and I was feeling really confident. Then I took a look at what I did in preparation for the next step, and I saw it. At first I wasn't going to rip out the seam, but after checking to see if I had enough fabric left (I didn't) I spent several hours tediously taking out the seam. Then I fixed it.

This is where I am at. I need to finish the seams of the inner pants leg, put on the waist band, and hem. These are going to be goofy pants. I bet Pizza will like them anyway, and I've gone through the pattern once so I should be able to make a cooler pair with better fabric.

I also ripped out my blue garter stitch sweater. It was fitting to tight, so I cast on in two sizes up. No pics this week, maybe next.

Progress has been slow, because someone has been doing things like this:

Yup, that's Yogurt pushing himself under the couch, one of his new favorite hobbies. He is also getting really good at pulling himself forward on his arms to get things. And he has gotten very good at grabbing things in his hands. He's so excited about all these new things he can do, he isn't napping much, and the best naps I can get out of him are when I hold him. Luckily he is still sleeping through the night (fingers crossed for tonight, I've already gone up once while writing this). This is to say baby's making progress, I'm not. But that's okay.

Random, from my kitchen table

Runaway! Runaway!

Really, the knit bunny is it this week. Car trip to NJ with quiet kids on the way there. Idea from this very craft along from here via here. Been Holiday busy.

These are the flowers I meant to bring to my cousin's on easter,but got left on the kitchen table as we hustled out the door. Oh well they make the mess a little prettier.
Happy crafting all, with frontier dreams

Eggciting

The Cousins came over for a little pre-easter festivities.

The house was alive with kids running wild, and boys "sneaking" out back to play, whilst their mom's finished dying.

For once it seems, we are giving the spring holidays their due!

(Nevermind that our Christmas tree is still in the living room.Please just look away)

So,have a happy Passover, Easter, or Springtime celebration! We will be having all three.

Stymied

Fireman sweater is done (and worn) But I'm tired of it so no more on that this week.
This week is all about stymied.
example one. yogurt will take a lengthy morning nap. If he stays up till 9:30. Meaning he doesn't fall asleep on my lap when he nurses at 8:30, which he is currently doing. then he only naps for 30 minutes, and ends up hanging out while I do whatever had planned to do during nap, while entertaining him with a bag of potato chips.

example two. Fireman pants part one. ( aka treasure pocket pants or TPP from Sewing For Boys) Instructions call for sewing on bias tape as casing. this had me perplexed for the weekend right on step one, then I turned to the Internet and figured it out.

example three. Fireman pants part two. yesterday was the epiphany about the use of bias tape, all the while thinking how is 1/2 inch elastic goin fit. 1/4 inch would make more sense.... Read to instruction two. Cut 1/4 inch elastic ..... Funny 1/4 inch elastic wasn't listed as a notion.... Stuck now at step two awaiting a trip to the fabric store.
example four. Every time I set up to do something at home with pizza I end up overestimating what a four year old can accomplish. This is only a generalization. Four is tricky they want things to do on their own, but you have to be careful b/c their little egos get frustrated easily. I'm getting better at forming realistic expectations (also for his behavior ) and this helps me feel a little less stymied.
Lastly, not all leads to frustration. I'm trotting along on the anabel cardigan in the yarn the pattern called for ( imagine that ). Hopefully I won't mess it up too much, and hopefully I won't need to rip it out because it doesn't fit.

now should I try to drop the sleeping babe in the crib or let him be?
Crafting on with frontier dreams

On Knitting

I've been meaning to write this for awhile, but I couldn't find an appropriate moment. Now that I successfully completed the Fireman Sweater it might be time.

I've always been drawn to craft, particularly things involving yarn. No one in my family knit, and I have an Aunt who crochets, but not avidly. My mom was crafty for a time. She used to sew, and make decoupage, and before I was born she did some macrame, and made all of our Christmas ornaments. But then alcoholism took her away from all of that and me for a very, very long time.
You see there was no particular reason for me to be "crafty", but I would walk through the aisles of the Ben Franklin 5 and 10, of later Frank's (which was a nursery and craft store) and I would be drawn particularly to the yarn, but also the cross stitch kits, and needlepoint kits, and really anything that wanted to be made into anything else. It wasn't long before I was asking my parents for acrylic yarn (so many colors!) and a learn how to crochet kit, or a learn how to knit kit, and I taught myself. I particularly remember a little booklet printed on the 50s or early 60s, that another aunt gave to me with the basic instruction for how to knit, how to crochet, and I believe how to tat. That book was my bible and by looking at the pictures and reading the words, and thinking I taught myself how. And I could knit a passable scarf or crochet the same (nevermind that until recently I only crocheted through the front loop of the stitch, not both!) I also did some cross stitch, embroidery, and needlepoint. I was fascinated by making things in "an old fashioned way" like I imagined they would have in little house on the prairie, or Anne of Green Gables, or the accomplished girls in the Jane Austen books. I was fascinated, but I could only take it so far and by the time I was in college I didn't do any of it.
Then I was in grad school, and my sister was expecting her first child. And I went to the local Barnes and Noble and perused the craft section. By this time the knit revolution was happening, and there was a Debbie Bliss book of baby knits that looked approachable (and ever so pretty). And I picked up the needles again. I made a couple of baby things for my nephew, all in acrylic based yarns. They really were pretty awful, but I didn't know better yet. But I had taken my knitting to another level, I had knit actual garments.
Then perusing through the local Barnes and Nobles I picked up Jacqueline Fee's Sweater Workshop This book takes a heavy nod from Elizabeth Zimmerman, but frankly explains how to knit the basic raglan sweater using EPS (Elizabeth's percentage system) in every detail one would want. This was my introduction into circle needles (yeah! I never new how ackward straight needles were until I discovered circle ones), knitting in the round, and eventually wool. It also has a wonderful tutorial of basic knitting skills needed for a sweater. In short although the sweater's in the book were dated and not very inspiring, it taught me so much about knitting.
This is the book I turned to when I asked Pizza what color he wanted his sweater to be. Initially he said "red, with yellow stripes," but I got him to change his mind to black with yellow stripes, and I added in the grey (he already has a play firecoat in red, with yellow, and I was envisioning something I a little easier on the eye). My goal with this sweater was to make a fireman's sweater that looked like a serious sweater, but still respected what he wanted. I think I accomplished it. It has an obvious nod to a fireman's coat, but it isn't over the top and hopefully isn't too campy. I feel there is a serious dirth of little boy's sweaters that aren't overly cutesy, so I'm attempting to fill that void.
So here is the result knitting completed,still needing lots of ends sewn in and buttons. Next it will be completely finished and I'll write down the details.

But it fits well, and I'm very pleased. As always crafting along on or about Tuesday with Keep Calm Craft on

This post is brought to you by the indulgence of the non-napping baby which is to say I'd better be brief.

Last week finished BSJ, slight miss match right to left due to a mistake in my stitch count, and picking up too many stitches on one side.

the first is how it is knit, the second how it folds up.

This week the fireman sweater is almost there. In fact I need to start thinking about the neck finishing.

I had a little help (someone is starting to wiggle around, I thought I had placed him far enough from the knitting when I briefly left the room!) This one has been quick and I seemed to have forgotten how nice it is to knit a simple raglan sweater.

Will it fit? I think so, but I'm worried the sleeves will be short. I will have Pizza try it on today and see. I could rip out it need be.

We started seeldings (yes, that is our christmas tree still hanging out in the living room, maybe by easter we will put it away) And I'm getting excited about the gardening, but I still need a ton of dirt. And my constant companion is 6 months old! My how time flys and babies grow as fast as weeds!

As always keeping calm with frontier dreans KCCO Have a lovely week!

Two Stitches off

Well, maybe its more like ten or so, but the title reminded off an old Fugazi song, so I couldn't really help myself (sigh, how old am I? and how far have I come?). The BSJ number two is coming along, but I messed up my stitch count somewhere along the way. I am optimistic it will turn out okay. There seems to be a little fudge room in this pattern, which is a good thing because apparently I tend to lose track real easy when it comes to rows and rows of garter stitch. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I won't being showing you three balls of yarn next week as my "Progress"

Next up the swatch and sketch for the fireman sweater. It will be a simple raglan with stripes under the arms as sketched. I haven't decided up two or four or asymmetric rows of grey. I'm leaning to the asymmetric, but we'll see. The button band will be picked up on the edge, in black, in garter stitch. Deciding whether it is worth the effort to try a steek so I can knit in the round. I would need to practice first..... It might be too challenging, but it would be kind of interesting.

I bought some bird's egg blue yarn for a spring sweater for me, and it came. It would seem I'm not the only one whose color choice is inspired by the season!

And last, but not least. Pizza's boy #2 with googly eyes. He's starting to draw more. They've been working with him gently at school too. Seems I worry about nothing. I need to work on that.

As always crafty on Tuesday's with Keep Clam, Craft on