Mommy Stuff
(This is a picture of the boy from earlier in the summer. We went strawberry picking, and saw farm animals. I wrote this blurb shortly after mother's day and wasn't sure if I would publish it, but here goes... I will try to write more about this later)
I think I’m going through a sort of midlife crisis. My fellowship ends next February, so I’ve been weighing things, trying to figure out who I am, and where I want to be. I haven’t though this introspectively about my life since the unhappy period in my life that was high school.
There are many things that my mind is trying to balance at once while I figure this out. Being mommy, wanting another, the economy, my husband’s career, my career (such that it is), what I want to do, what I should do, what I could do… It’s really a lot for my analytical brain to handle.
What I want to do? After a little over 1 year back from my maternity leave, I want to stay home with the boy. I’ve wrestled with this a lot, and when I became a mother 17 months ago, I didn’t think I would feel this way. Rather, I didn’t let myself acknowledge that there was a possibility I would feel this way.
At the end of my maternity leave I was ready to go back. No, I was determined to go back.But it was the crushing routine, of pumping (four times a day), getting everything ready for daycare, dropping off, going to work where I couldn’t get any traction on my projects, leaving at 5:00 to pick up the pooh, and then coming home, washing baby dishes, going to sleep. Restart next day.
It was hard. I swore every day, when I walked from my car to the building where I work with tears in my eyes, I would never do it this way again.I will say that things got better. No pumping anymore. The boy mostly sleeps well. I am well rested. I finally got my research moving forward.
But now I feel hopelessly divided. I can’t put the time in at the lab to do everything that I should be doing. I have to prioritizes, and this means making good guesses, and leaving lots of loose ends. I can feel the project coming together into a paper, but I’m not sure anyone other than me cares about the phenomena I’m studying, so I’m not sure how well such a paper will be received. I’m making it work, but just barely.
And then there is the boy. He is growing up and doing amazing things. And it is happening so goddamn fast! And we struggle to take him to the park on the weekend ( the only time we have to do such things) because we are so busy with errands, and tired. And this bothers me. I don’t like feeling divided, and I don’t like short changing my kid.
So you see where I’m coming from. I build my career around my life, not the other way around. For awhile I want to stay home. Try my hand at teaching as an adjunct so I’m doing something to keep moving forward, or sideways, but hopefully not backward. But then there are the other two questions. Should I do this? A one paycheck household scares me, especially these days. Is this the right thing for Sean. He likes daycare, and being around other kids. And the more dubious one, Can I do this?
