note: it's been a little hectic around here abouts as our life returns to normal. These are my thoughts while I was away. I couldn't post because I don't post from work computers as they leave record of work's prescence in your code and this is not a good thing. I might eventually post the survey meter movie, if I can edit it down a little.

Isolation (written on 011810

50uM/L =50nmol/ml=50pmol/ul, if I want 600pmol from a solution that is 50uM, then I need 12 ul!!!

Gosh darn it, I knew a gained something in all that science training. I can calculate stuff...

I'm back at work, doing science stuff. It's starting pretty slowly. I'm taking my time. I fear my heart just isn't in it anymore, but I'm trying.

I'm not back home yet. I'm staying in a nice hotel, sleeping-in in a way too cushy bed. I miss my guys something awful.

I sort of feel like someone, a very large someone, has taken me by my ankles and given me a good long, hard shaking. I can't say I'm really hurt by the experience, maybe a little sore, but mostly I'm just jarred.

The whole last 9 months since all this medical crazy began has been really hard on me emotionally. That coupled to the winding down of my scientific career, has my self-esteem (which has always been an ephemeral thing) just crumpling. I have to rebuild. I know that, but I'm scared I can't, and I don't know where to begin.

I shouldn't be putting this out there, so openly for all to see, but I am. It's part of the story, an important part of how this has affected me, and if someone stumbles into this and it helps them know they aren't alone, well than I guess that's a good thing. And if a potentially employer one day stumbles into it, Is it really that damning, you know that I'm a normal person?????

Maybe I will get to the whole life-affirming part of the experience. You know the part where you feel lucky you have defeated death type thing, but somehow I don't think that's how my brain works.