I've noticed that my 2 year old son has a strange fascination with taking pictures of his feet. Every time I go to download pictures off the camera I find some pics of little precocious feet.
I wonder where he picked this up from?
FO: On-Hold socks Ravelry Page It took me several months, but these socks are how I like them, nice and tight, and long.
I haven't written here for two weeks, and I have a whole lotta stuff with which to feed the blog.
The funny thing about not working, is that I'm as busy as ever. I honestly don't know how we keep things going when I was working. I just find things to do, and I think I will for perpetuity.
Things are growing in the garden, the pool has reopened for the summer, and I've been crocheting. The house, by the way, is still a mess. Although I did clean out my closet and reorganize my stash. I have a lot of craft store yarns....
I've decided this post will mostly be about the crocheting/knitting side of my life. I've taken to the crocheting thing, because its hot and for the most part I am not feeling the wool, and I feel learning something.
As you will recall this all started with some dishrags I made on our trip to Hilton Head. When I got home I restarted my DC blanket. The original one was way to large at 250 stitches (it was about king sized), and I started it when I was pregnant and the man was on a business trip to London. This one has a more manageable 150. And I like the way the stripes grow randomly. It is made with Red Heart Super Saver in various colors I had in my stash (see cheap craft store yarn and stash above). It is goinging, but all DC all the time gets boring.
First I want a definitive volume on crochet technique, so of course, I went to Debbie Strollers "the Happy Hooker." And in I quite friendly way it introduce me to basic techniques.
Then I picked up Eddie Eckman's "Crochet Motif" book , which is absolutely addictive, and great for scraps of yarn. I've basically made myself I bunch of Christmas tree ornaments! So my tree which has been bare ( I believe in slowly collecting ornaments, and making them), will look fuller next season, so that nobody can come over to see it.
Then one the way home form the pool one afternoon. I spied this shop (The Yarn Spot). Which I went to this weekend and bought some three irish girls yarn (Georgia Peach) and some denim yarn to make "short n' sweet" from aforementioned Debbie Stroller book.
I'm also still working on the "On Hold" socks, but I want to finish them so I can start socks with the Ga Peach....
So basically, I'm having a wonderful creative time, and it sure is nice to have very nice yarn shop 5 minutes from my house. Maybe I will make it over for needlework time one day.... (a mom can dream can't she?).
I brought three projects with me to the beach: the 2nd green sweater, a blue sock, and a bunch of sugar n' cream cotton and a crochet hook. Who knew crocheting dishcloths is such a great car trip project?
Didn't touch the sweater (too hot to knit alpaca), and I worked on the sock on the trip home.
However, it might be a crochet kind of summer mostly. I crochet to big dish towel, and started the little striped one, as well as completing a 2nd dishrag that was in use. I found it strangely relaxing.
What a difference a year makes! Last year the boy was terrified of the ocean. This year, he actually asked to go out there. (However, he still admitted to being a little scared sometimes).
Hilton Head is a really nice beach. We had great weather. We played in the sand. We played in the surf. We played in our pool. Nobody got sunburnt. All in all a great vacation.
Things are still looking hopeful in our lovely little patio container garden. We've gotten to eat some strawberries, just a couple at a time, as they ripen.We augmented this with a trip to Butler's Orchard for pick your own last weekend. They were good.
The Arugula is growing and I should be able to start harvesting some leaves for salad soon. It's very peppery. I have some basil coming along, and I planted some mint, cilantro and flat leaf parsley in the actual flowerbed, and they haven't died or been eaten ....yet. I also got brave a put the bean plant, two peas, and two squash plants in the actual flower bed, and so far they are okay, although some insects have been nibbling at the peas.
And the tomatoes are great. They are starting to develop fruit. I'm so excited!!! Fresh tomatoes.
I also have three container squash. I replanted one today, and might have killed it. The stem is split. I probably should have replanted it earlier, but the squash in my big grey, ant infested pot looks great. We shall see.....
Sean's mother day project got replanted, and they are still growing. I hope they will flower again. I think they are petunias. Do petunias re-flower?
Overall we are looking nice and green and hopeful as we begin the challenge of summer.
I'd been wanting to make a cardigan, so in January after a lot of thinking and looking for the right pattern, I settled on Calluna . It had cables and interesting texture, things I was looking for, but I have to say it wasn't my dream caridigan. I didn't like the 3/4 sleeves, but that is easy to fix. I liked the half button, lower half skirt thing.
As I knit a began to wonder if this sweater was too mommyish and frumpy, but having seen no other options, I continued on.
I persisted, and now I have a completed sweater. The sweater I knit during blizzard part II, the sweater knit right after being radioactive, the sweater I knit when I left my job. All important memories to associate with a article of clothing I will probably be wearing for years to come.
A couple of things about it: It grew tremendously when I blocked it, particulary in length, and this is a pleasant thing. I kind of anticipated it from others comments on ravelry. I ended up knitting the sleeves at 3/4 like written (because who really wants to knit full lenght seed stitch sleeves when you could be done faster), and they ended up just a bit longer. They sit just above my wrists, and it works.
I don't like how the skirt and opening curl. They need a more substantial edge to hold the shaping and cables. I was warned about this on ravelry as well, but too late to anything about it. It is better know that it is longer and blocked, but still not perfect.
It's tricky to sew round seed stitch sleeves into a non-seed stitch ribbing armhole. They weren't perfectly fit to each other either, but I managed. Two things a found helpful: basting together first, and sewing from the top of the shoulder down, that way if there's any weirdness at least it's not at the top of the shoulder where it would be extremely obvious. I had to sew them on a couple of times, but I think I got them on pretty good. No puffy sleeves!
Anyway it is done and I'm pretty satistfied. On to green sweater # 2!
Ms. Glampyre's recent posts, and my own situation of being almost, but not quite out the door have got me thinking a little about why its so damn hard for women with children in science.
A while back I read a blurb (I think at Salon, but maybe at Wash. Post, I don't remember) about how the statistics don't reveal any trend in women with higher degrees dropping out of the work force to raise their children. The piece was horribly written, and the analysis of the statistics was flat out wrong and ill thought out. The authors thesis was that if you look at the population of stay-at home mom's most have a high school education at most, and it is their lack of good choices and opportunity that leads to women becoming stay-at home mom's. The author might want to have considered that it is only a smallish subset of women in the general public who hold advanced degree, thus you wouldn't expect them to make up a big part of the stay-at home population, but this is neither here nor there. Anyway it was that thing about choices that got me thinking.
Simply put, I think that one of the reason's women with children have such a hard time making their scientific career's go beyond motherhood, is a lack of good choices. There aren't part-time scientist jobs. There isn't even an 80% option. Mid level, non PI, non grant writing, researcher positions are hard to come by, and from the talk I here at my former work, getting scarcer. It's all or none. And to do the all part and sustain it over a long career, even if you don't have children means you have to be very passionate about it. And if you do have children and are the primary caregiver........
The reason women with children lack good options, is that they are really starting their career in earnest right around the time they have children. In most other career paths by your early thirties you have a job and have established yourself somewhat. Not being established means they have little good negotiating power. It's hard to get someone to hire you in your first real position if you want to work 80%, especially when there are at least ten other good candidates who don't.
That brings me to the cold hard truth. We train way too many scientists for them all to have viable careers (especially in academic circles). Yes, we let them put their ten years in as graduate student and post-doc, paying them little, and taking advantage of their brain power (graduate students and post-docs are the engines that make science roll forward), and then we expect a lot of them to not make it as scientists. And this selection process hits women with children especially hard. Afterall we aren't stupid. Who would want that kind of crazy? Only people who are incredibly passionate about what they do.
Don't get me wrong there are women who make it work, and have done a great job with both motherhood and science. Then there are the horror stories, couple living apart, children raised by nannies (a notion most American women dislike), divorces, mental breakdowns. So knowing when to quit and what your priorities are is important.
Do I have answers? Mid level positions can help women. Real jobs sooner would help women. More flexible career trajectory would help women. More understanding about flexible career trajectory would help women.
Advice? Plan babies for natural breaks (end of grad school, end of post-doc), and take a year off. My first year back was hell and I had an extremely understanding boss. Marry a non-scientist, with non-scientist income. Don't be afraid to hire a nanny if you can afford it. I did traditional centered based daycare and the drop up and pick off added a lot of stress to my routine. In hind site a nanny would have better if a could get over that darn problem I have with hiring someone to work for me at home full time and paying them so little to do it. Study something where there isn't as much competition, but is still interesting (I stole this from a elder successful mommy scientist, could be rephrased choose your project and mentor wisely). Don't be afraid of the notion that you can't come back. I think this may be more perception than reality. Not many women attempt, so people aren't used to the idea. I think (at least in Biological fields) it's possible. I'm not saying it wouldn't be damn hard, but so is having a career in the first place. And I think the more women try to do this, the more likely it will be an acceptable practice. Think outside the box in terms of career; volunteering might be a good way to keep in practice or come back if you can afford it. And keep in mind you scientific training can apparently translate into all sorts of careers (at least that's what "they" say....)
Most importantly however, if you want to have a baby do it and figure out the rest. It will fall in line somehow. We don't have forever to have babies. It is just a chapter in our lives. It passes, and you won't get a second chance to write it. If you want a baby go for it. I also say this, because as you get into your mid-thirties you'll find things can start happening. Your parents start having medical problems, and mid thirties is prime time for center types of cancer to start showing up in women, and also the start of when autoimmune issues start cropping up. In other words don't wait until the last minute to have the baby you always wanted. You never know what might happen to interfere with you plans.
Having children is very challenging with two working parents no matter what their careers. Science might be particularly challenging because we build it up to be so much more than a career, but it's not. (well I guess for some it is more, but well nevermind)
Maybe women drop out of science permenantly because once you really leave that envirnoment, it's like clouds part and you suddenly can see the sun peeking through. I've been having a great time with my son, and I'm more busy than you could ever imagine. Maybe women don't come back to the bench because once they leave they realize there is a whole world out there they've been missing, that they can contribute to in a meaningful way, and suddenly they don't want to go back !
...or The kid drives a BUS!!!!, (and a digger, and several trucks)!
Whoever thought of this as a fundraiser is a genius, or at least probably has lots of toddler boy experience. For the uninitiated, this is where a bunch of people or businesses volunteer their vehicles and let little children crawl around them, sit in the drivers seat, and blow their horns. Basically, every three year old boy's dream come true. We survived truck touch, and I've never seen the kid happier or more overstimulated.
Same weekend end, we managed Md Sheep and Wool 2010. This might be mommy's dream come true, but I'm not really doing it up right these days. I think I'd have to go sans kid and husband to do that. We did see sheep, and alpacas, and musicians, and even had sheep almost run us over. The kid especially liked the tractor ride in from the parking lot, and he liked the sheep too.
I did not buy anything, I have too many projects going or planned, and I don't want to add another, besides I didn't have much time to look for yarn.
In other news, this is our first week where Sean comes home at noon. I was a little worried about whether its the right thing for him/us, but we are starting to get into our groove, and a think it could be lots of fun. The weather has been gorgous to boot, so we've got to go out to parks, and play outside alot in the afternoon which I really like.
I'm still working on the paper. I've been going into old work most mornings, so not alot it getting done at home, but its kind of a pleasant rythmn. Morning at the lab, nap (which bytheway was a lot of work at first as the kid decided me picking him up at noon might= no nap), and then playtime. Good stuff. However, it's going to take at least another month the finish writing the thing. My boss is a bundle of nerves because of her upcoming review, and hasn't exactly been able to do very much, and we keep rearranging the figures. It is going to take forever. I just wonder when I get my red stapler!
One of the great things about not working is having the time to cook real meals. Meaning something more complicated then spaghetti and Prego (although I have to admit, the boy really likes his spaghetti and Prego). Also meaning that I don't have to cook Tuesday and Wednesday's meal on Monday night after the kid is in bed.
I'm rediscovering my love of cooking, and love of eating well, which really we haven't been doing that much of lately.
About I month before leaving official work, I convinced my husband to let me try cooking mostly vegetarian meals during the week. Let's get this straight, We are not vegetarians. I like a good medium rare steak as much as the next gal, and a good hamburger too. My reasons for the switch is that it forces us to eat more vegetables. The challenge is in trying to come up with good combinations and different ones.
I will also mention that having a nice repertoire of vegetarian soups or other one pot meals in your cooking regime is nice, because often you have your basic ingredients just lying around. Dry lentils have a nice long shelf life, chicken on the other hand does not. I can cobble together a good red lentil soup any day from things I have lying around my pantry and your basic carrot and onion which I always have anyway. Some vegetarian cooking is very pantry friendly, whereas meat based meal always require shopping and forethought. Also the kid, loves lentil soup with rice!!!!!
Back to the point of this post: I love me a nice hardcover cookbook. (Hint: if ever need a gift for me and can't figure out what to get me consider that last sentence) I bought two new ones yesterday, and I am positively excited about cooking from them. I'm a little bummed that I've already done my cooking for the week!
The new cookbooks made me think of my collection, and sharing with you, my one reader, my favorites. My shelf contains both some great conventional cookbooks and some vegetarian ones, but here goes:
Betty Crocker Cookbook This is just hands down the most friendly, easy to use classic cookbook, with all the roasting tables and stuff you need. My favorite recipe is the White Chili (which is a chicken chili/ soup with white beans and corn. Also very useful baking section
The Gourmet Cookbook My sister gave this to me one year, and it is a great cookbook, not at all intimidating as the name would imply, most of the recipes are pretty straightforward. Favorites include Goulash, Oatmeal cookies, Glazed carrots, Spanish style Fritatta. I often use this one to get ideas, or figure out how to do something if I'm not exactly following their recipes
The New Moosewood Cookbook This one ain't so new anymore, but it's the classic vegetarian cookbook, many great recipes. The soups are some of my favorites. Brazilian Black Bean Soup, Cold Cucumber Yogurt Soup, Gazpacho, and the recipe for Falfel (although not traditional and puffy) and Tahini-Lemon Sauce
125 best Vegetarian Slow Cooker recipes Everybody should own this book! It is excellent. And the marvel of being able to prep everything the night before, put it in the fridge, and plug in in the morning. You couldn't do that with meat, because of the food safety issues, but with vegetables it works. Fav recipes: Red lentil and Carrot Soup w Coconut, Tortilla Soup with Corn and Chilies, Smoky White Chili with Potatoes,any number of the other Chilis, and what I cooked this week, Tamale Pie with Chili Cornmeal Crust . An excellent, excellent cookbook, and many of the dishes are surprisingly hearty for being vegetarian.
So there you have it, my favorite go-to cookbooks. The ones I just bought are Jamie's Food Revolution (the photography is absolutely stunning, and he had a whole chapter on curries, which sold the book for me), and How to cook everything Vegetarian which I wanted after ready an article about Mr. Bittman's food philosophy, which I find very akin to my own. Both books have a philosophical slant, and as I haven't cooked from either I can't really say whether I would recommend them. Perhaps more on this later. In the meantime Bon Apetite!
Well, as mentioned in the last post, it appears to finely, and safely be spring!! That means it is time for me be compelled to plant some stuff. (Last year I did not feel so compelled, I was too stressed and tired and had my hands full with a 1.5 year old.) This year I have time on my hands, so why not be a little bit more ambitious than usual.
In all the talk about how people should try to grow their own food and all, I've decided to container grow some vegetables. Why container grow? A. The soil in our yard has very little topsoil, with clay underneath, so would need a lot of conditioning to get stuff out of it. B. Deer and Rabbits like our yard, but will mostly stay off our deck (I think). C. Our deck gets excellent sun exposure, far better than the rest of the yard (although this means it is very hot there in the summer and this may be a problem).
So what are we trying???? I bought some everbearing strawberries, three different types of small tomatoes (one called patio which seems to be breed for containers), a peppermint plant, marigolds (okay they not edible, but pretty and will go in the actually garden) and a pepper plant which I might have alreadly killed.
In addition I'm seeding argula, basil, green beans (the big tall thing in the picture), non support needing peas, yellow squash, and zuccinni. I hear zuccinni is fairly easy to grow and very prolific. I might purchase some more herbs and maybe spinach seeds, as it seems the greens might be pretty easy to grow. I also want to try making sprouts with the kiddo.
I've had a good start, but I need to get some big containers and a lot of potting soil. This operation is neither eco-friendly or economical, I fear, but maybe next year or in future years, if I can continue to do it. Maybe one year I will actually conquer composting, but it seems you need some kind of advanced degree to safely do that (oh wait a second, don't I have some kind of advanced degree in something bio related. Oh yeah, its in something entirely useless to the real world, mammalian cell biology and biochemistry!!!!!!!! Good thing I didn't have to pay money for that education! just time :)
Anyway It's kind of nice having the new green babies around, kind of hopeful again. That reminds me, I need to water everybody outside. We where away this weekend, and the tomatoes look thirsty.
As any D.C. native will tell you, Spring arrives when the Cherry blossoms bloom. In celebration the boy and I went downtown to see the pretty flowers on his day off from nursery school (Good friday). We got to ride the train and visit mommy's work. I managed pretty well with a toddler and a stroller, but we did lose a hat when boarding our last train, as I frantically was doing something with the stroller when the train pulled up. It was crowded, but pretty and worth the trip, although we didn't make it very far along the tidal basin. We also saw three fire trucks with their sirens blaring on the walk back to Farrugut North! Sean was plumb tuckered out from the trip and took a three hour nap when we got home. I really like having easy access to a city, and will miss it if we ever move.
Spring is here. I drafted my fantasy league on the same day I went to my little cousin's bridal shower. Funny she isn't little anymore (well maybe there's alittle bit of the little cousin left if you look really hard). When did that happen?
Sean wore green on March 17 to celbrate his most likely Irish roots on my side of the family.
In the beginning of March I missed three consecutive Mondays from work, do to Sean sick with fever (1), Sean sick with overeating/throwing up in the middle of the night (2), mommy food poisoning throwing up all night (3). I knit these stars on the days Sean was sick. They are a good quick project. First finished objects 2010! Details on my ravelry page when I get a chance.
Offically down to my last week in the lab, to be followed by writing, some from home, and some from the lab, no pay. I think I've turned the corner and am okay with this, though I am still madly scrambling to do experiments (during normal working hours).
I've been listening to a lot of concerts on npr. This is getting me into trouble. I hear stuff I like, and I download an album. Very good marketing policy. Tonight I'm downloading Joanna Newsom, after listening to a very nice concert that was here in D.C. Mostily I'm listening to women, which is odd.
I've entered what is probably my last month doing bench science.
I have mixed feelings about this. It's kind of like a really bad and slow break-up. Science, we've had some great times, but this really isn't working anymore....
It's hard not to feel like a failure. But this is how it goes for most people.
Part of the failure thing is probably because my beginning is very open ended. Slow down... Spend more time with the kid. Get life back to calm. Then figure out what it is I would like to do, and how best to go about doing it.
I'm luck I can take this break, but it's a mixed blessing not to have a finicial goad pushing you forward.
The kid has changed daycares. So it is both an end and beginning for him too. I miss the old place, but I don't miss the driving into Bethesda during rush hour to drop him off or pick him up. My husband is doing the dropping and picking now. I have an extra hour of work, and I'm suprised to feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
"Sauraman is this the worst you have??????"
mmm okay???? 30 hrs without power......Boy, heat is nice. So is hot water, and lights, and T.V. Thank goodness we have a gas stove and we charged the protable DVD player just in case. Oh French Press, how I love you so.......
But the power dudes got the lights back on and the house returned to cozy, and we spent a week mostily cozy at home.
Out our back window (which now has a curtain). That's alot of snow.
I am thankful for our charged portable DVD player, plentiful food in the house, extra warm ikea blanket, and that our stove top is natural gas which can be lit without electricity (and doesn't have some stupid safety mechanism like our oven). We survived the storm, but started to worry that we might be days trapped and without power and heat (30 hrs) as the temperature in the house started to fall. Now the question is, we'll we ever get out of here???
note: it's been a little hectic around here abouts as our life returns to normal. These are my thoughts while I was away. I couldn't post because I don't post from work computers as they leave record of work's prescence in your code and this is not a good thing. I might eventually post the survey meter movie, if I can edit it down a little.
50uM/L =50nmol/ml=50pmol/ul, if I want 600pmol from a solution that is 50uM, then I need 12 ul!!!
Gosh darn it, I knew a gained something in all that science training. I can calculate stuff...
I'm back at work, doing science stuff. It's starting pretty slowly. I'm taking my time. I fear my heart just isn't in it anymore, but I'm trying.
I'm not back home yet. I'm staying in a nice hotel, sleeping-in in a way too cushy bed. I miss my guys something awful.
I sort of feel like someone, a very large someone, has taken me by my ankles and given me a good long, hard shaking. I can't say I'm really hurt by the experience, maybe a little sore, but mostly I'm just jarred.
The whole last 9 months since all this medical crazy began has been really hard on me emotionally. That coupled to the winding down of my scientific career, has my self-esteem (which has always been an ephemeral thing) just crumpling. I have to rebuild. I know that, but I'm scared I can't, and I don't know where to begin.
I shouldn't be putting this out there, so openly for all to see, but I am. It's part of the story, an important part of how this has affected me, and if someone stumbles into this and it helps them know they aren't alone, well than I guess that's a good thing. And if a potentially employer one day stumbles into it, Is it really that damning, you know that I'm a normal person?????
Maybe I will get to the whole life-affirming part of the experience. You know the part where you feel lucky you have defeated death type thing, but somehow I don't think that's how my brain works.
(sometimes I wish I could hide in a closet)
I just came back from my pre-scan, and found out they need to split up my dose over 8 months, because there is just too much tissue left from the surgery. It wouldn't be safe to do it in one shot.
This means the first dose is less radiation and is done outpatient, next week. Meaning I'm staying in a hotel for two extra days. I won't be in isolation, but I am supposed to keep a low profile next week. I haven't decided whether I'm coming in to work or what I'm going to do.
The upside is that I can keep my knitting. Although I might keep it in a box in my basement for 6 months to cool off. I will probably be more comfortable in a hotel than the hospital, but I will be on my own.
The bad news is in 8 months I get to repeat this whole damn process. I think with a little more radioactivity and a hospital stay this time. 8 extra months to pine for another child, and wonder what ‘s it going to be next time to put off my plans for another year or more. (Can we say still too much remnant left?)
I don't mean to be so flippant about all this. I know this is cancer. I know for safety reasons, they don't have a choice about this. They can't risk frying my bone marrow. I know from reading other peoples blogs, there are people out there, some of whom are younger than me, who are facing a much tougher fight from a similar type of cancer. But I just wanted to be done so I could move on.
My radioactive knitting challenge is "Swallowtail shawl", knit is some yarn that I got from Elann for an entirely different project. I figure being away from my 2 year-old for a week is a good time to knit me some lace, which requires more concentration, and is more fragile than most of what I do. It's a small shawl so I might be able to finish it in a week too. Or I may be simply underestimating it.
Uh…hmmm..So can we start the new year in September 2010?
We, here at "The Hippo and Snuffles Show" regret to inform you that the new year will be postponed until February 1, 2010. This is because we first must finish the 2009 cancer business before declaring shenanigans and starting anew. And we would like desperately to declare out with the old, but there's just this last little thing a need to do before I can say that: take around 125mCurie of I-131 , you know just to make sure we've gotten all the cancer cells or potential cancer cells that the surgeon may have left behind. The goal is to have no thyroid cells (cancerous or not) left.
This all goes down next week. I've been prepared, withdrawn from thyroid hormone, eating a low iodine diet, which basically means ones prepared entirely by me so to be sure nobody sneaks some iodized salt in there somewhere. This has meant a lot of salads and a lot of cooking. I even tried to make fresh bread with yeast, but it was too cold in our kitchen to get a good rise out of the yeast so the bread was a little dense. So far I'm tolerating the hormone withdrawal pretty well, a little tired, but not so tired I can't cook or function. I'm a little distracted, but I suspect this has more to do with anxiety than anything else.
So next week I go to the hospital to take the therapeutic dose, and get isolated for two days, then spend the rest of the week at a hotel, so as not to expose our 2-year old to the radioactivity, so he won't get thyroid cancer (ironic, huh?). It will be hard being away from my boys at a time when I am so emotionally vulnerable, but I don't see any other way to handle it. I can't just simple stay three feet away from a toddler for a week. Like all this crap, it is just something to be endured and lived through. And soon I will be back.
The stupid thing that makes me a little sad, is that I really wanted to be pregnant right now. I wanted to be finishing my post-doc with the next baby started. I'm a little sad and bitter about the baby I won't be having right now. It's been hard facing the mom's at daycare who are now expecting their second child (6 of the boy's classmates, out of a group around 15). It's been hard to smile and not tear up. In fact I have teared up a couple of times. I keep trying to remind myself, that I still have plenty of biological time, and that sometimes these things that seem like a bad thing on the surface, sometimes they turn out for the best in the grand scheme of things. But it's kind of hard to see that this is only a little set back. 6 months to 1 year after this procedure I can start trying and maybe the timing will be more fortuitous than I can know now. But this is the thing that thyroid cancer and its treatment have taken from me, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has faced this kind of thing, being that this disease is commonly diagnosed in women my age.
To sum-up, 2009 was a tough year. A lot of great moments, but a lot of difficult ones to. Looking forward to 2010 !which by special decree starts in February this year!
We just got plowed! Four days after the storm! Two feet of snow in one day! The county forgot we existed (i.e. we are on the east side of the county and don't have enough money to be bothered with, also why our schools aren't so great).
Three days in a house with a 2-year-old. I think we fared pretty well. I can't say he loved the snow. It was too much. He couldn't walk anywhere. And it was cold, and he didn't want to wear mittens. He did help shovel, and mowed the snow. We need a sled, and a second shovel, and better mittens. My husband wants a snow blower, but I think that is being a little reactionary. The house is a disaster, but that's normal.
The CRV got out this morning. Mr. Jetta is staying home one more day and hoping for some melting. The real question is whether the CRV will make it back up the hill. People have been abandoning their cars at the bottom of the hill all weekend. Our neighbor is parked in our driveway because they couldn't make it up the rest of the hill.
Husband took child to daycare and I stayed I have a bad cold.I needed rest. I never stay home from work, so you know I must be feeling pretty rundown. I'm not feeling guilty about it. Life happens I can't to anything about it. I get snowed in for three days. I get sick. Work will wait, even if there is a clock ticking on my fellowship (and career). Perhaps all the more reason not to care.
Stay tuned for the holiday post. We will survive even if my brother -in- law gets a late gift because we can't get to the store....
(picture of boy "fixing" his new Hanukkah gift. Please not he is not mad, although he is quite often "Mad, Mad, Mad" in the toddler who wants dangerous things his parents won't let him have like scissors or stoves, sense of the word)
My family has quiet literally gone mad this season. Mom has been in a hospital since Thanksgiving. She has early onset dementia complicated by chronic alcohol abuse. It's probably the most complicated relationship I will ever have. It's still changing and I'm still trying to figure it out. She is a difficult and tragic character. The conversations I've had with my mom in the hospital are more normal than any I've had with her for ten years. I guess I am grateful for the opportunity to talk to her again. She should be home soon, and hopefully we can handle the new medicated mom.
My sister already commented on her loss and how it has been felt for years by our family, particularly around the holiday time. I'm cautiously optimistic we can now reach a better equilibrium, and maybe sort of have her back for awhile. We shall see...
In the midst of all these goings on the boy turned 2. He is a remarkable little guy. I feel like we maybe shortchanged him a little bit on the birthday, but he did get a party with all the Jersey relatives. This is probably the last year I can get away with planning nothing for him. But he was happy, and got to open lots of presents and eat carvel cake, and see his cousins, and Nana and Pop-pop (who he adores). Than last weekend Nana and Pop-pop visited us for early Hanukkah, and he got more presents and had a blast.
In our mixed holiday traditions, the tree will go up this weekend and I will make potato and sweet potato latkes. Hopefully we can finish our Christmas shopping. Maybe I will make toffee....
And I'm almost done my official Christmas knitting. I've knit two presents to be given alongside other "real" gifts. Neither item is worn. One is missing two legs and two ears. The other is a set missing buttons. Intriguing?
I have two things on needles right now. The aforementioned present missing parts, and a pair of "on-hold" socks, from Wendy Johnson's book. I'm itching to cast-on. I saw a cute hat pattern, and I'm thinking about Calluna. Also we need ornaments for the tree.....
I finished the diagonal lace socks, and have worn then several times. The fit very nicely. And the other set of presents.
Don't know if I'll get much time to post, so have a happy sane holiday for me.
Things got quickly resolved, thanks to new doc. Thank you new doc, you really seem to know what your doing, even if you look a little bit overworked.
Here is a picture of Miss Anna in her finally complete handknit. See how much she seems to love it!
Will I ever learn?
Warning: this is a rant in which I use fake profanity, and the occasional "damn" and "pissed off" and "hell". Sorry for my lack of usual discretion. I will return to the normal nonsensical dribble about knitting and 2-year-olds shortly.
After the last three weeks or so trying to get I-131 "therapy" scheduled, and dealing an unrelated urgent medical need, I think I've decided I'm all for a single payer healthcare system or something. It sure as heck has to beat what we've got.
No, it's not that an in imminent danger of being kicked out of my insurance coverage or something like that. It's just the inability to get information out of people or get things done, or receive a phone call back. I know doctor's offices are busy places, but I'm trying to get treated for cancer (albeit a not terribly serious kind) so I can have my life back, and get off the medical crazy train I'm on. Yes, I will leave you the xxxx alone, if you do your xxxxing job, and coordinate my damn medical care. And if someone could have just come out and said it might take 3 weeks to get a date (yes, to schedule the procedure, which has to be scheduled at least 4-6 weeks in advance anyway, not actually have the procedure) it would have made me feel a whole hellofalot better. Just knowing a reasonable time frame to expect that you might be able to work out whatever it is you need to work out. And then I probably would have left you alone as well.
Instead nobody bothers to tell me what is going on. All I get is the impression that my file is literally sitting on some physician's desk waiting for her to get around to it. All you needed to do was tell me that you were waiting for a response from my doctor, and I could have gotten on the phone to my doctor and annoyed the hell out of their office until they answered the physician's question. Or you could have asked me and I would have clued you in the fact that I was pretty much decided on going withdrawl over Thyrogen stimulated therapy 'cause I feel based on my own research that although an annoyance, the withdrawl is probably a little better than Thyrogen and a don't want to go through this more than once (thank you very much!!!!!). And yes I do understand that it makes said physician's life slightly more difficult b/c the scheduling is harder. Sorry.
The end result is that I ended up going to a 2nd doctor, who the surgeon recommended, who deals with this hospital all the time, and I think they are going to set this up, and then I will follow up with my old doctor, because a generally like him, even if his office is incompetent and slow as molasses. I hope I haven't pissed anyone off too much by doing this.
I feel like I'm cheating on my endocrinologist. Yes, somewhere amoungst the feelings of indignation and frustration I also feel guilty.
And I don't even have a date yet.
aka "Mommy. Boo-boo."
I'm trying my best to own my fresh scars with pride. It's a pity I had to go through this again so soon. The old one had healed so nicely, but I new there was a better than average chance that at some point the otherside might need to be removed for one reason or another.
I keep it out of the sun mostly, but I don't hide it. If people ask I explain matter of factly. I have thyroid cancer. It's very common, especially in women my age. It's a curable kind of cancer (especially in women my age).
It's a distraction.
It's an annoyance.
It's a little scary.
It makes you think, about you know.......life.
And with any luck, in a couple of months I should have my life back.
It's been a little while, and we've been all kinds of busy.
One thing that happened in the time between posts was our annual trip to Duck, N.C. It was very different from last year. For instance last year we were all about walking places in the stroller with a non-mobile kid. This year? We might as well have left the stroller at home for the amount of time he would agree to sit in it without demanding "Bup!"
That being said it was a good time. Nanna came with us for the week, and Pop-pop joined us for a couple of days. Sean really got to know Nanna. And his face would light up when he saw her.
He was a little unsure of the beach thing at first, but as you can see he got into it eventually. We did have a lot of rain (what do you do with a toddler on a rainy day at the beach?), but we also had several really nice days so it worked out.
Today was the perfect summer Sunday. The weather was beautiful, and everybody in our house was in a great mood. We just seemed to feed off of each other, especially the little guy. He just seemed to bubble from moment to moment in the way that only a toddler can. Each moment being exciting and fun. And it didn't hurt that we slept in til 7:00!
First the zoo where the little guy found the misters, ran for them and got soaked every time (hey a I let him, how could I not,he found it so interesting and funny that he was getting wet). Then home for a nice long nap. Lunch at subway, which he ate for once! And then off for our last afternoon at the pool. The little guy is just starting to figure out how to kick in the water. Next year he'll swimming for sure (well maybe). And he and mommy split a Klondike bar! He really liked it. Then home for a quick bath and we dared go to the local pub for pizza at 6:00. And get this: He sat through the entire meal. We had a little help from the TVs (it is a sports bar), Especially the Nascar station. Anytime he got antsy, we would just point to the TV and say "Look at the cars" And he would start sating "cahr, cahr" And he ate pizza, and ravioli, and mozzarella sticks. It was the biggest meal he's ever had. And if you consider that he had half a Klondike bar an hour or so earlier. It was impressive!
Anyway I just wanted to remember this day, because it is the culmination of a wonderful summer with our amazing boy.
Now I am off to work on the new sock I am knitting... More about that later. Have a great week.
My little helper and I had a photo shoot this afternoon for actual finished objects:
He also helped me by insisting on carrying the doggy poop bag after the dogs walk. He carried it up the street, into the house, out to the garage, and into the trash proclaiming "Peeeeh (U)"
He is just so darn cute that its (thankfully) hard to stay mad at him for all the little irascible things he does.
(This is a picture of the boy from earlier in the summer. We went strawberry picking, and saw farm animals. I wrote this blurb shortly after mother's day and wasn't sure if I would publish it, but here goes... I will try to write more about this later)
I think I’m going through a sort of midlife crisis. My fellowship ends next February, so I’ve been weighing things, trying to figure out who I am, and where I want to be. I haven’t though this introspectively about my life since the unhappy period in my life that was high school.
There are many things that my mind is trying to balance at once while I figure this out. Being mommy, wanting another, the economy, my husband’s career, my career (such that it is), what I want to do, what I should do, what I could do… It’s really a lot for my analytical brain to handle.
What I want to do? After a little over 1 year back from my maternity leave, I want to stay home with the boy. I’ve wrestled with this a lot, and when I became a mother 17 months ago, I didn’t think I would feel this way. Rather, I didn’t let myself acknowledge that there was a possibility I would feel this way.
At the end of my maternity leave I was ready to go back. No, I was determined to go back.But it was the crushing routine, of pumping (four times a day), getting everything ready for daycare, dropping off, going to work where I couldn’t get any traction on my projects, leaving at 5:00 to pick up the pooh, and then coming home, washing baby dishes, going to sleep. Restart next day.
It was hard. I swore every day, when I walked from my car to the building where I work with tears in my eyes, I would never do it this way again.I will say that things got better. No pumping anymore. The boy mostly sleeps well. I am well rested. I finally got my research moving forward.
But now I feel hopelessly divided. I can’t put the time in at the lab to do everything that I should be doing. I have to prioritizes, and this means making good guesses, and leaving lots of loose ends. I can feel the project coming together into a paper, but I’m not sure anyone other than me cares about the phenomena I’m studying, so I’m not sure how well such a paper will be received. I’m making it work, but just barely.
And then there is the boy. He is growing up and doing amazing things. And it is happening so goddamn fast! And we struggle to take him to the park on the weekend ( the only time we have to do such things) because we are so busy with errands, and tired. And this bothers me. I don’t like feeling divided, and I don’t like short changing my kid.
So you see where I’m coming from. I build my career around my life, not the other way around. For awhile I want to stay home. Try my hand at teaching as an adjunct so I’m doing something to keep moving forward, or sideways, but hopefully not backward. But then there are the other two questions. Should I do this? A one paycheck household scares me, especially these days. Is this the right thing for Sean. He likes daycare, and being around other kids. And the more dubious one, Can I do this?
These are Dead Simple Lace Socks from Wendy Johnson's book, "Socks from the Toe-Up" or something like that. (I need to remeber how to do links, like a good blogger). For some reason this sock looks way better in this photo, than it does in real life. It usually doesn't work out way. The yarn is Socks that Rock Nyame, which I refer to (in my head) as Nynaeve because I am reading Robert Jordan this summer. I am quite enjoying the Robert Jordan, that is why I knit so slow. It's either read for an hour, or knit, and most nights I read.
