Spring!!!

As any D.C. native will tell you, Spring arrives when the Cherry blossoms bloom. In celebration the boy and I went downtown to see the pretty flowers on his day off from nursery school (Good friday). We got to ride the train and visit mommy's work. I managed pretty well with a toddler and a stroller, but we did lose a hat when boarding our last train, as I frantically was doing something with the stroller when the train pulled up. It was crowded, but pretty and worth the trip, although we didn't make it very far along the tidal basin. We also saw three fire trucks with their sirens blaring on the walk back to Farrugut North! Sean was plumb tuckered out from the trip and took a three hour nap when we got home. I really like having easy access to a city, and will miss it if we ever move.

Stuff....

Spring is here. I drafted my fantasy league on the same day I went to my little cousin's bridal shower. Funny she isn't little anymore (well maybe there's alittle bit of the little cousin left if you look really hard). When did that happen?

Sean wore green on March 17 to celbrate his most likely Irish roots on my side of the family.

In the beginning of March I missed three consecutive Mondays from work, do to Sean sick with fever (1), Sean sick with overeating/throwing up in the middle of the night (2), mommy food poisoning throwing up all night (3). I knit these stars on the days Sean was sick. They are a good quick project. First finished objects 2010! Details on my ravelry page when I get a chance.

Offically down to my last week in the lab, to be followed by writing, some from home, and some from the lab, no pay. I think I've turned the corner and am okay with this, though I am still madly scrambling to do experiments (during normal working hours).

I've been listening to a lot of concerts on npr. This is getting me into trouble. I hear stuff I like, and I download an album. Very good marketing policy. Tonight I'm downloading Joanna Newsom, after listening to a very nice concert that was here in D.C. Mostily I'm listening to women, which is odd.

Endings and Beginnings

I've entered what is probably my last month doing bench science.

I have mixed feelings about this. It's kind of like a really bad and slow break-up. Science, we've had some great times, but this really isn't working anymore....

It's hard not to feel like a failure. But this is how it goes for most people.

Part of the failure thing is probably because my beginning is very open ended. Slow down... Spend more time with the kid. Get life back to calm. Then figure out what it is I would like to do, and how best to go about doing it.

I'm luck I can take this break, but it's a mixed blessing not to have a finicial goad pushing you forward.

The kid has changed daycares. So it is both an end and beginning for him too. I miss the old place, but I don't miss the driving into Bethesda during rush hour to drop him off or pick him up. My husband is doing the dropping and picking now. I have an extra hour of work, and I'm suprised to feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

I (I mean WE) survived Blizzard week 2010!!!!!

"Sauraman is this the worst you have??????"

mmm okay???? 30 hrs without power......Boy, heat is nice. So is hot water, and lights, and T.V. Thank goodness we have a gas stove and we charged the protable DVD player just in case. Oh French Press, how I love you so.......

But the power dudes got the lights back on and the house returned to cozy, and we spent a week mostily cozy at home.

Out our back window (which now has a curtain). That's alot of snow.

I am thankful for our charged portable DVD player, plentiful food in the house, extra warm ikea blanket, and that our stove top is natural gas which can be lit without electricity (and doesn't have some stupid safety mechanism like our oven). We survived the storm, but started to worry that we might be days trapped and without power and heat (30 hrs) as the temperature in the house started to fall. Now the question is, we'll we ever get out of here???

note: it's been a little hectic around here abouts as our life returns to normal. These are my thoughts while I was away. I couldn't post because I don't post from work computers as they leave record of work's prescence in your code and this is not a good thing. I might eventually post the survey meter movie, if I can edit it down a little.

Isolation (written on 011810

50uM/L =50nmol/ml=50pmol/ul, if I want 600pmol from a solution that is 50uM, then I need 12 ul!!!

Gosh darn it, I knew a gained something in all that science training. I can calculate stuff...

I'm back at work, doing science stuff. It's starting pretty slowly. I'm taking my time. I fear my heart just isn't in it anymore, but I'm trying.

I'm not back home yet. I'm staying in a nice hotel, sleeping-in in a way too cushy bed. I miss my guys something awful.

I sort of feel like someone, a very large someone, has taken me by my ankles and given me a good long, hard shaking. I can't say I'm really hurt by the experience, maybe a little sore, but mostly I'm just jarred.

The whole last 9 months since all this medical crazy began has been really hard on me emotionally. That coupled to the winding down of my scientific career, has my self-esteem (which has always been an ephemeral thing) just crumpling. I have to rebuild. I know that, but I'm scared I can't, and I don't know where to begin.

I shouldn't be putting this out there, so openly for all to see, but I am. It's part of the story, an important part of how this has affected me, and if someone stumbles into this and it helps them know they aren't alone, well than I guess that's a good thing. And if a potentially employer one day stumbles into it, Is it really that damning, you know that I'm a normal person?????

Maybe I will get to the whole life-affirming part of the experience. You know the part where you feel lucky you have defeated death type thing, but somehow I don't think that's how my brain works.

Change of Plans

(sometimes I wish I could hide in a closet)

I just came back from my pre-scan, and found out they need to split up my dose over 8 months, because there is just too much tissue left from the surgery. It wouldn't be safe to do it in one shot.

This means the first dose is less radiation and is done outpatient, next week. Meaning I'm staying in a hotel for two extra days. I won't be in isolation, but I am supposed to keep a low profile next week. I haven't decided whether I'm coming in to work or what I'm going to do.

The upside is that I can keep my knitting. Although I might keep it in a box in my basement for 6 months to cool off. I will probably be more comfortable in a hotel than the hospital, but I will be on my own.

The bad news is in 8 months I get to repeat this whole damn process. I think with a little more radioactivity and a hospital stay this time. 8 extra months to pine for another child, and wonder what ‘s it going to be next time to put off my plans for another year or more. (Can we say still too much remnant left?)

I don't mean to be so flippant about all this. I know this is cancer. I know for safety reasons, they don't have a choice about this. They can't risk frying my bone marrow. I know from reading other peoples blogs, there are people out there, some of whom are younger than me, who are facing a much tougher fight from a similar type of cancer. But I just wanted to be done so I could move on.

My radioactive knitting challenge is "Swallowtail shawl", knit is some yarn that I got from Elann for an entirely different project. I figure being away from my 2 year-old for a week is a good time to knit me some lace, which requires more concentration, and is more fragile than most of what I do. It's a small shawl so I might be able to finish it in a week too. Or I may be simply underestimating it.

Uh…hmmm..So can we start the new year in September 2010?

Unfinished business of 2009

We, here at "The Hippo and Snuffles Show" regret to inform you that the new year will be postponed until February 1, 2010. This is because we first must finish the 2009 cancer business before declaring shenanigans and starting anew. And we would like desperately to declare out with the old, but there's just this last little thing a need to do before I can say that: take around 125mCurie of I-131 , you know just to make sure we've gotten all the cancer cells or potential cancer cells that the surgeon may have left behind. The goal is to have no thyroid cells (cancerous or not) left.

This all goes down next week. I've been prepared, withdrawn from thyroid hormone, eating a low iodine diet, which basically means ones prepared entirely by me so to be sure nobody sneaks some iodized salt in there somewhere. This has meant a lot of salads and a lot of cooking. I even tried to make fresh bread with yeast, but it was too cold in our kitchen to get a good rise out of the yeast so the bread was a little dense. So far I'm tolerating the hormone withdrawal pretty well, a little tired, but not so tired I can't cook or function. I'm a little distracted, but I suspect this has more to do with anxiety than anything else.

So next week I go to the hospital to take the therapeutic dose, and get isolated for two days, then spend the rest of the week at a hotel, so as not to expose our 2-year old to the radioactivity, so he won't get thyroid cancer (ironic, huh?). It will be hard being away from my boys at a time when I am so emotionally vulnerable, but I don't see any other way to handle it. I can't just simple stay three feet away from a toddler for a week. Like all this crap, it is just something to be endured and lived through. And soon I will be back.

The stupid thing that makes me a little sad, is that I really wanted to be pregnant right now. I wanted to be finishing my post-doc with the next baby started. I'm a little sad and bitter about the baby I won't be having right now. It's been hard facing the mom's at daycare who are now expecting their second child (6 of the boy's classmates, out of a group around 15). It's been hard to smile and not tear up. In fact I have teared up a couple of times. I keep trying to remind myself, that I still have plenty of biological time, and that sometimes these things that seem like a bad thing on the surface, sometimes they turn out for the best in the grand scheme of things. But it's kind of hard to see that this is only a little set back. 6 months to 1 year after this procedure I can start trying and maybe the timing will be more fortuitous than I can know now. But this is the thing that thyroid cancer and its treatment have taken from me, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has faced this kind of thing, being that this disease is commonly diagnosed in women my age.

To sum-up, 2009 was a tough year. A lot of great moments, but a lot of difficult ones to. Looking forward to 2010 !which by special decree starts in February this year!

Merry Christmas

Snowed In!

We just got plowed! Four days after the storm! Two feet of snow in one day! The county forgot we existed (i.e. we are on the east side of the county and don't have enough money to be bothered with, also why our schools aren't so great).

Three days in a house with a 2-year-old. I think we fared pretty well. I can't say he loved the snow. It was too much. He couldn't walk anywhere. And it was cold, and he didn't want to wear mittens. He did help shovel, and mowed the snow. We need a sled, and a second shovel, and better mittens. My husband wants a snow blower, but I think that is being a little reactionary. The house is a disaster, but that's normal.

The CRV got out this morning. Mr. Jetta is staying home one more day and hoping for some melting. The real question is whether the CRV will make it back up the hill. People have been abandoning their cars at the bottom of the hill all weekend. Our neighbor is parked in our driveway because they couldn't make it up the rest of the hill.

Husband took child to daycare and I stayed I have a bad cold.I needed rest. I never stay home from work, so you know I must be feeling pretty rundown. I'm not feeling guilty about it. Life happens I can't to anything about it. I get snowed in for three days. I get sick. Work will wait, even if there is a clock ticking on my fellowship (and career). Perhaps all the more reason not to care.

Stay tuned for the holiday post. We will survive even if my brother -in- law gets a late gift because we can't get to the store....

Holiday Madness

(picture of boy "fixing" his new Hanukkah gift. Please not he is not mad, although he is quite often "Mad, Mad, Mad" in the toddler who wants dangerous things his parents won't let him have like scissors or stoves, sense of the word)

My family has quiet literally gone mad this season. Mom has been in a hospital since Thanksgiving. She has early onset dementia complicated by chronic alcohol abuse. It's probably the most complicated relationship I will ever have. It's still changing and I'm still trying to figure it out. She is a difficult and tragic character. The conversations I've had with my mom in the hospital are more normal than any I've had with her for ten years. I guess I am grateful for the opportunity to talk to her again. She should be home soon, and hopefully we can handle the new medicated mom.

My sister already commented on her loss and how it has been felt for years by our family, particularly around the holiday time. I'm cautiously optimistic we can now reach a better equilibrium, and maybe sort of have her back for awhile. We shall see...

In the midst of all these goings on the boy turned 2. He is a remarkable little guy. I feel like we maybe shortchanged him a little bit on the birthday, but he did get a party with all the Jersey relatives. This is probably the last year I can get away with planning nothing for him. But he was happy, and got to open lots of presents and eat carvel cake, and see his cousins, and Nana and Pop-pop (who he adores). Than last weekend Nana and Pop-pop visited us for early Hanukkah, and he got more presents and had a blast.

In our mixed holiday traditions, the tree will go up this weekend and I will make potato and sweet potato latkes. Hopefully we can finish our Christmas shopping. Maybe I will make toffee....

And I'm almost done my official Christmas knitting. I've knit two presents to be given alongside other "real" gifts. Neither item is worn. One is missing two legs and two ears. The other is a set missing buttons. Intriguing?

I have two things on needles right now. The aforementioned present missing parts, and a pair of "on-hold" socks, from Wendy Johnson's book. I'm itching to cast-on. I saw a cute hat pattern, and I'm thinking about Calluna. Also we need ornaments for the tree.....

I finished the diagonal lace socks, and have worn then several times. The fit very nicely. And the other set of presents.

Don't know if I'll get much time to post, so have a happy sane holiday for me.

Ahhhhhh...... (note sigh of relief, not aggrevation

Things got quickly resolved, thanks to new doc. Thank you new doc, you really seem to know what your doing, even if you look a little bit overworked.

Here is a picture of Miss Anna in her finally complete handknit. See how much she seems to love it!

Will I ever learn?

Healthcare

Warning: this is a rant in which I use fake profanity, and the occasional "damn" and "pissed off" and "hell". Sorry for my lack of usual discretion. I will return to the normal nonsensical dribble about knitting and 2-year-olds shortly.

After the last three weeks or so trying to get I-131 "therapy" scheduled, and dealing an unrelated urgent medical need, I think I've decided I'm all for a single payer healthcare system or something. It sure as heck has to beat what we've got.

No, it's not that an in imminent danger of being kicked out of my insurance coverage or something like that. It's just the inability to get information out of people or get things done, or receive a phone call back. I know doctor's offices are busy places, but I'm trying to get treated for cancer (albeit a not terribly serious kind) so I can have my life back, and get off the medical crazy train I'm on. Yes, I will leave you the xxxx alone, if you do your xxxxing job, and coordinate my damn medical care. And if someone could have just come out and said it might take 3 weeks to get a date (yes, to schedule the procedure, which has to be scheduled at least 4-6 weeks in advance anyway, not actually have the procedure) it would have made me feel a whole hellofalot better. Just knowing a reasonable time frame to expect that you might be able to work out whatever it is you need to work out. And then I probably would have left you alone as well.

Instead nobody bothers to tell me what is going on. All I get is the impression that my file is literally sitting on some physician's desk waiting for her to get around to it. All you needed to do was tell me that you were waiting for a response from my doctor, and I could have gotten on the phone to my doctor and annoyed the hell out of their office until they answered the physician's question. Or you could have asked me and I would have clued you in the fact that I was pretty much decided on going withdrawl over Thyrogen stimulated therapy 'cause I feel based on my own research that although an annoyance, the withdrawl is probably a little better than Thyrogen and a don't want to go through this more than once (thank you very much!!!!!). And yes I do understand that it makes said physician's life slightly more difficult b/c the scheduling is harder. Sorry.

The end result is that I ended up going to a 2nd doctor, who the surgeon recommended, who deals with this hospital all the time, and I think they are going to set this up, and then I will follow up with my old doctor, because a generally like him, even if his office is incompetent and slow as molasses. I hope I haven't pissed anyone off too much by doing this.

I feel like I'm cheating on my endocrinologist. Yes, somewhere amoungst the feelings of indignation and frustration I also feel guilty.

And I don't even have a date yet.

Scars

aka "Mommy. Boo-boo."

I'm trying my best to own my fresh scars with pride. It's a pity I had to go through this again so soon. The old one had healed so nicely, but I new there was a better than average chance that at some point the otherside might need to be removed for one reason or another.

I keep it out of the sun mostly, but I don't hide it. If people ask I explain matter of factly. I have thyroid cancer. It's very common, especially in women my age. It's a curable kind of cancer (especially in women my age).

It's a distraction.

It's an annoyance.

It's a little scary.

It makes you think, about you know.......life.

And with any luck, in a couple of months I should have my life back.

Beach 2009

It's been a little while, and we've been all kinds of busy.

One thing that happened in the time between posts was our annual trip to Duck, N.C. It was very different from last year. For instance last year we were all about walking places in the stroller with a non-mobile kid. This year? We might as well have left the stroller at home for the amount of time he would agree to sit in it without demanding "Bup!"

That being said it was a good time. Nanna came with us for the week, and Pop-pop joined us for a couple of days. Sean really got to know Nanna. And his face would light up when he saw her.

He was a little unsure of the beach thing at first, but as you can see he got into it eventually. We did have a lot of rain (what do you do with a toddler on a rainy day at the beach?), but we also had several really nice days so it worked out.

Perfect Day

Today was the perfect summer Sunday. The weather was beautiful, and everybody in our house was in a great mood. We just seemed to feed off of each other, especially the little guy. He just seemed to bubble from moment to moment in the way that only a toddler can. Each moment being exciting and fun. And it didn't hurt that we slept in til 7:00!

First the zoo where the little guy found the misters, ran for them and got soaked every time (hey a I let him, how could I not,he found it so interesting and funny that he was getting wet). Then home for a nice long nap. Lunch at subway, which he ate for once! And then off for our last afternoon at the pool. The little guy is just starting to figure out how to kick in the water. Next year he'll swimming for sure (well maybe). And he and mommy split a Klondike bar! He really liked it. Then home for a quick bath and we dared go to the local pub for pizza at 6:00. And get this: He sat through the entire meal. We had a little help from the TVs (it is a sports bar), Especially the Nascar station. Anytime he got antsy, we would just point to the TV and say "Look at the cars" And he would start sating "cahr, cahr" And he ate pizza, and ravioli, and mozzarella sticks. It was the biggest meal he's ever had. And if you consider that he had half a Klondike bar an hour or so earlier. It was impressive!

Anyway I just wanted to remember this day, because it is the culmination of a wonderful summer with our amazing boy.

Now I am off to work on the new sock I am knitting... More about that later. Have a great week.

Helper

My little helper and I had a photo shoot this afternoon for actual finished objects:

He also helped me by insisting on carrying the doggy poop bag after the dogs walk. He carried it up the street, into the house, out to the garage, and into the trash proclaiming "Peeeeh (U)"

He is just so darn cute that its (thankfully) hard to stay mad at him for all the little irascible things he does.

Mommy Stuff

(This is a picture of the boy from earlier in the summer. We went strawberry picking, and saw farm animals. I wrote this blurb shortly after mother's day and wasn't sure if I would publish it, but here goes... I will try to write more about this later)

I think I’m going through a sort of midlife crisis. My fellowship ends next February, so I’ve been weighing things, trying to figure out who I am, and where I want to be. I haven’t though this introspectively about my life since the unhappy period in my life that was high school.

There are many things that my mind is trying to balance at once while I figure this out. Being mommy, wanting another, the economy, my husband’s career, my career (such that it is), what I want to do, what I should do, what I could do… It’s really a lot for my analytical brain to handle.

What I want to do? After a little over 1 year back from my maternity leave, I want to stay home with the boy. I’ve wrestled with this a lot, and when I became a mother 17 months ago, I didn’t think I would feel this way. Rather, I didn’t let myself acknowledge that there was a possibility I would feel this way.

At the end of my maternity leave I was ready to go back. No, I was determined to go back.But it was the crushing routine, of pumping (four times a day), getting everything ready for daycare, dropping off, going to work where I couldn’t get any traction on my projects, leaving at 5:00 to pick up the pooh, and then coming home, washing baby dishes, going to sleep. Restart next day.

It was hard. I swore every day, when I walked from my car to the building where I work with tears in my eyes, I would never do it this way again.I will say that things got better. No pumping anymore. The boy mostly sleeps well. I am well rested. I finally got my research moving forward.

But now I feel hopelessly divided. I can’t put the time in at the lab to do everything that I should be doing. I have to prioritizes, and this means making good guesses, and leaving lots of loose ends. I can feel the project coming together into a paper, but I’m not sure anyone other than me cares about the phenomena I’m studying, so I’m not sure how well such a paper will be received. I’m making it work, but just barely.

And then there is the boy. He is growing up and doing amazing things. And it is happening so goddamn fast! And we struggle to take him to the park on the weekend ( the only time we have to do such things) because we are so busy with errands, and tired. And this bothers me. I don’t like feeling divided, and I don’t like short changing my kid.

So you see where I’m coming from. I build my career around my life, not the other way around. For awhile I want to stay home. Try my hand at teaching as an adjunct so I’m doing something to keep moving forward, or sideways, but hopefully not backward. But then there are the other two questions. Should I do this? A one paycheck household scares me, especially these days. Is this the right thing for Sean. He likes daycare, and being around other kids. And the more dubious one, Can I do this?

More Socks......

These are Dead Simple Lace Socks from Wendy Johnson's book, "Socks from the Toe-Up" or something like that. (I need to remeber how to do links, like a good blogger). For some reason this sock looks way better in this photo, than it does in real life. It usually doesn't work out way. The yarn is Socks that Rock Nyame, which I refer to (in my head) as Nynaeve because I am reading Robert Jordan this summer. I am quite enjoying the Robert Jordan, that is why I knit so slow. It's either read for an hour, or knit, and most nights I read.

Happy 4th (belated of course)

"Little boys are just little dudes, aren't they?" mother of 6 year old girl at the pool.

When did he start being a little boy?